With a Little Help from My Friends

Here's a link to a GoFundMe as I face cancer's costs. It’s not easy to ask for help; others are in greater need. But I welcome your support—and I’m grateful for how asking is deepening connections.

I’ve got mixed emotions as I share this GoFundMe link to support my family as I navigate cancer and its costs.

I feel a twinge of shame in asking for help. I’m an American man, after all. We’re supposed to be self-reliant. Bulletproof rather than beset by illness.

And yet admitting my family and I welcome your support is part of my message about a healthier masculinity. It’s a myth that we stand alone, that we don’t need help. A lie that we will never be laid low by disease or misfortune.

Over the coming 12 months, I’ve got a challenging treatment path to heal from appendix cancer. I’m slated to start with 3 months of chemotherapy. Infusions every two weeks. The first week after each infusion, my doc says I won’t feel great. The second week should be much better.

Then comes what The New York Times recently referred to as “the mother of all surgeries.” It’s an 8-10-hour surgery to remove cancer from different parts of my belly, to cut out part of my colon, and to wash the entire abdomen in heated chemotherapy. Two days in the ICU are generally needed afterwards, given how intense the operation is. Then another 6-8 days in the hospital. And another 4-8 weeks of recovery at home.

Then another 3 months of chemo.

I grew up thinking that sharing those details amounts to whining. But I now think of the disclosure as a willingness to be real.

I’m kind of scared.

And I know it’s unrealistic to think I can keep providing for my family at anywhere near the level I’ve earned annually in recent years—about $100,000. Plus, the $15,000 or so worth of medical bills we’ve accumulated so far this year have been difficult to meet. And more are on the way.

So yes, I need help.

At the same time, I know others need waaaaay more help than me. Here’s where guilt comes in. Why should I benefit from the generosity of friends and family at my time of need, when I’m among the most lucky, privileged people on the planet? I’m already getting world-class care. And my family and I are unlikely to be left homeless or hungry from the medical bills and loss of income.

This is a harder feeling to figure out. The best I think I can do is encourage all of us to reflect on the economic and political systems that lead to such radical inequality in America and across the globe.

Another part of my professional calling is to help build organizations and a society that provide everyone dignity, that acknowledge our interdependence and that value every human life the same.

GoFundMe? How about GoFundUs—in roughly equal measure?

The last emotions I’m feeling are more pleasant ones. Gratitude and joy. Already people have given Rowena, Julius, Skyla and me immense support. Not only financially, but with heartfelt notes, flowers, food and phone calls. No matter how people are loving on us, I am grateful.

And there’s been a joyful silver lining to reaching out. To needing help. It has connected us to people in new, wonderful ways. Old friendships and family ties have been rekindled. Current bonds have become stronger.

I don’t wish cancer and financial need on anyone. But it feels damn good in this moment.

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Here again is the link to the GoFundMe page. Thanks in advance for ANY support you can provide.

Huge thanks to pals Kira Smith, Jason Patent and Colette Plum for organizing this.